The TeleWellness Hub Podcast

Navigating Toxic Relationships: Sandhya Nagabhushan, LPC on Domestic Violence Awareness and Empowerment for Survivors (A Domestic Violence Awareness Month Special)

• Martamaria Hamilton

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Can control and power dynamics silently creep into relationships, affecting even those you least expect? Join us for a compelling conversation with Sandhya Nagabhushan, a licensed professional counselor and owner of Enlightenment Therapy Services, as we shine a light on Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Sandhya shares her personal journey and the profound insights she has gained from her work at a family crisis resource center. Her experiences illuminate the often-hidden realities of dating and partner violence, and we explore how such violence transcends gender and sexual orientation, affecting individuals across all identities, including within LGBTQ communities. Sandhya's compassionate perspective offers hope and the possibility of healing and transformation for survivors.

Together, we navigate the harsh landscape of toxic relationships, emphasizing the resilience it takes to survive the cycle of abuse. Our conversation dives into the phases of control and isolation, such as the "honeymoon" and "walking on eggshells" stages, and the often-overlooked role of stalking, particularly cyberstalking, in modern relationships. We discuss how social media can intensify these threats and why raising awareness and finding support are essential steps toward empowerment. With Sandhya's expertise, this episode serves as a powerful reminder that each survivor's experience is unique, yet there is potential for healing and empowerment at every turn.

Connect with Sandhya today!
https://enlightenmenttherapy.services/#about
(Licensed in Texas and Missouri, and offers Telehealth in DC, Maryland, Virginia, and Texas)

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Marta Hamilton, LPC :

Welcome, friends, to the Telewellness Hub podcast, a space where listening is not just a simple passive act, it's an act of self-care. I'm your therapist friend, marta Hamilton, your host, and today we're speaking with a listener favorite, sandhya Nagabhushan. She's an LPC and owner of Enlightenment Therapy Services and is licensed in Texas and Missouri offering telehealth in DC, maryland, virginia and Texas. She's a specialist, if you heard in our previously recorded episode. She's a specialist in dating and partner violence and, knowing that October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I wanted to unite and amplify her voice, as she advocates across the nation through this podcast and very much in those states that she is licensed in, in the effort to end and heal from domestic violence. Welcome.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

Thank you so much. It's a pleasure to be here again today. Yes, I love connecting.

Marta Hamilton, LPC :

You know, we, behind the scenes, we connect on our own meetings, we're planning all kinds of I mean, every time we connect, there's so much synergy in terms of this alignment and wanting to help others and share information, and we just believe in the hope of having thriving lives for others. So it's always wonderful to connect and this is a tough topic. Right, this is a heavy topic, but it's important to talk about. It's important and I personally haven't met many providers who specialize in this area. So when we recorded our first episode and it came up that you have a background in this, I really talked about doing a follow-up episode and I'm so grateful that you're sharing your time. I want to start with asking why do you do the wellness work that you do specifically within this realm of partner or intimate partner violence?

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

Thank you so much for that introduction and for kind of summarizing my passion and my kind of fervor for helping people in this setting. I'll get started with saying a little bit about my own personal journey and why I do the wellness work with intimate partner violence and domestic violence in general. As an undergrad student in Maryland, I often did an internship where I volunteered at a family crisis resource center and that really opened up my eyes and gave me a very jarring but humbling experience to be an intern at this family crisis resource center. I worked with survivors of intimate partner dating violence, gender-based violence, stalking, and it was a very humbling experience.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

I realized there's so much more work we need to do in this realm.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

And having it be Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I think it's so important for us to bring enlightenment, education and advocacy to all people of all identities and constructs to understand that this is a really big issue and we really need to educate, promote and help survivors heal, and that's really why I specifically wanted to talk today with you about this particular topic, being that it's Domestic Violence Awareness Month and bringing awareness and education and advocacy all around the US and in the world.

Marta Hamilton, LPC :

Yeah, no, it's a very important topic and, knowing that background that you had, I'm sure it must have been really eye opening. I mean you had firsthand experiences and in learning from others experiences and seeing the healing and I I think that's something that's really important in this advocacy work and education work that you're doing too is because you being a therapist is such a privilege. I tell people it's such an honor to walk through life with other people and to support them and just be that safe space Right, and you, I'm sure, have seen just incredible transformation and healing and I think that's important to highlight in bringing awareness this month to that that there is this other side of healing and hope and you've gotten to witness this firsthand. So that's why I mean I just got chills just sharing that, because I think that's important for someone listening who may have experienced some form of dating or partner violence or know someone, that there's that hope that things can get better and getting to hear from you firsthand how that is an experience that can happen, that you can grow, that you can thrive, that you can heal.

Marta Hamilton, LPC :

I think that's a really important message to share and I want to back up a little bit. I wanted to ask a little bit about what is dating or partner violence. Let's back up, because we hear a lot of different terms domestic violence, dating or partner violence. I really, from your perspective as a therapist and again for those listeners, we always have this disclaimer you know you're not the listener's therapist, even though we're therapists right, we're not giving specific therapeutic advice, but just really want to share and bring awareness. What is dating or partner violence?

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

Excellent question. So I will start off by saying it can look very different in different relationships. In general, dating partner violence tends to be about having control or power over the other partner. The partner relationship could be a romantic relationship, it could be a cohabiting relationship. It could be be a friendship that evolves into a romantic relationship. It does not have.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

There's not one fits all kind of thing, and so what I wanted to really emphasize here is that it's a matter of a person and the intimate partner of dating violence having control or power over the other person. And what does that look like? That could look like um coercive ways to manipulate that other person, withholding um intimacy, emotional intimacy or physical intimacy. Um, that could look like um insults in public in front of their loved ones. That could um be continuous berating or gaslighting of the other partner. And I want to emphasize I think it's really important, marta, as you mentioned that it's not gender-based violence and intimate partner dating violence does not just occur with women or with men or with any identity.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

It could be LGBTQ communities, it could be men, women against men, men against women. I want to make sure we're really mindful and inclusive here that, according to the statistics, men are also survivors of intimate partner dating violence. Women are survivors and we have to really be mindful of the language that we use and understand that. It can go both ways.

Marta Hamilton, LPC :

No, that's such an important thing to bring up because I think sometimes there are misconceptions and that can be harmful in terms of people seeking help or sharing. From the research that I've seen that people feel like, well, is this do I? I don't want to say. In the research I've heard people disclose that maybe they didn't share or disclose or seek help or report right when the violence may have been considered a crime, because they almost felt like who's going to believe me if I don't fit this picture of what it looks like, fit this picture of what it looks like? And so I'm really glad that you bring that awareness and mention that, because when it comes to who can be a victim of dating and partner violence and who commits the dating partner violence, I think there is a lot there and in terms of your experience, your expertise, what would you share about that in terms of that, maybe misconception and in reality, and based on research and based on the actual experiences, who can be a victim and who commits dating partner violence?

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

Absolutely so. When I continued on this kind of personal mission or goal of mine to become a therapist and help survivors, an intimate partner of dating violence, stalking, as well as you know the whole gamut of undergrad at the Survivors for Shelton, I was an intern for Survivors of Intimate Partner Dating.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

Violence. And then I continued with my work at George Mason where I did my graduate school work to become a sexual assault services advocate. Now that role really opened up my eyes. It was a humbling experience. Again, Part of that role was I was the first line in command with other colleagues that were trained by professionals to treat survivors.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

They were the first people that they would contact on campus. Literally, someone could be leaving a party and had just been assaulted. Oh my gosh, wow, and imagine the magnitude of just the desperation for help at that point Absolutely.

Marta Hamilton, LPC :

Who do we go?

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

to who do we talk to, what do we say, and always being mindful that it takes a lot of courage to speak up.

Marta Hamilton, LPC :

Takes 100%.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

And that they need to know that they're not alone in any space, that there's somewhere that they can go to for support. Every college campus has resources of their own, and I'll speak to the role that I was in at George Mason. Again, we would hear from all different walks of life. There's no assumptions to be made here. Anyone could be a survivor I want to emphasize that and anyone could experience dating violence, and it looks different from one relationship to the next.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

And it was very eye-opening. It was a very humbling experience and it kind of forged my way to really want to bring more awareness and education to this topic. I did have to escort survivors after a sexual assault and bring them to medical settings to be examined. That was really tough work, but to be an advocate for them, to stand by their side, hold their hand 100%.

Marta Hamilton, LPC :

To be an ally, to be a support, to walk with them. Yes.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

It was actually really very groundbreaking to have experienced that and have to be honored to be in that humble role to where I can assist people. I also was a court advocate, so what did that look like? As you mentioned, marja, some people do not want to report it. And that's fully up to the person to decide whether they want to report it or not, and we must respect their position on that.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

Because, as we know, with dating violence, in some situations there could be retaliation. There could be and not to minimize the survivor's impact on their psychological health. Right, that's so key there. I want to emphasize that. So I was also an advocate to help them with their court hearings, assist them to medical appointments and also be a bridge between law enforcement and people that are seeking to get to report others. But bringing it back to the campus role I was in, it was really all walks of life and that's what I want to really just say is never make any assumptions about who could be a survivor or who could be a perpetrator for that matter.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

Statistics show that dating violence can occur by someone that they knew in a dating context. It could have been someone that they broke up with, someone that they endured a relationship with or any kind of intimacy, whether it's emotional or physical intimacy. It could have been any type of relationship and sometimes that evolves into an unhealthy, toxic dynamic. That's where it can get scary right. And you're talking about college-age students who are just developing their prefrontal cortex and developing the area of the brain.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

Imagine the impact of these survivors and how strong they are and resilient and powerful their voices are to speak up in that setting.

Marta Hamilton, LPC :

Yes, I love the way you frame that. You said imagine how powerful and how resilient. I think that's so important to highlight because it's confusing. I think people don't realize how confusing the experience can be and to be strong and powerful to to walk through it, to reach out to. You know, I'm just imagining that experience and you know I've never disclosed this before but I have had to go and try to obtain a protective order before. So I'm.

Marta Hamilton, LPC :

You know, obviously, that every case is unique and every situation is individualized, but it's very it can be surreal depending on you know the experience. To just go to someone and say I need protection, just that identification of like I didn't feel safe or I want to feel safe, I think that's really. It's a really powerful experience in in the sense that it alters you. So I think, bringing up that point that you know you're in, if you're in a college campus, you're still your brain is developing and and navigating through that to come out of it feeling empowered and resilient. I love that you highlighted that because, as you mentioned, you gave some scenarios Dating or partner violence can look very different, right? So if you don't mind, describing just a little bit about what does dating or partner violence look like? You gave a little bit of some information there, but I wonder if you could talk a little bit more about that and what it might look like.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

Yes, and thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing that. I really appreciate that, because that's the way we get other people to speak up and not have to feel any which way, any shame or any. It really means a lot that you shared that. Yeah, well thanks. It humanizes all of us.

Marta Hamilton, LPC :

Yeah it can happen to anyone at any point. And I remember a lot, so many questions like how did I let this happen to me? Like, how did right? Like, how did this happen? And so I can tell you this you're right, as a therapist you know even therapists like it's a human experience to walk through life and face different challenges that can come up, but I, with amazing helpers like you, I mean, I could imagine how wonderful it would have been like if I could have had you in my corner, right To like guide me through it, to support me through it, to walk with me, and the legal manners, right, like no one ever imagined.

Marta Hamilton, LPC :

You don't get like a guidebook of like if you ever need to get a protective order or you know like, this is how you go. All of a sudden, you're like what do I do now? What happens? So I think it's amazing that there are lights in the world like you to shine a light in a dark, in a dark time, dark space. So it's easy to share with you, right? So and I'm hoping somebody will will hear this and, yeah, feel empowered. So, and in terms of that kind of what does it look like? You brought up a really good point that it can evolve and that's something you mentioned. So, if you don't mind, just sharing a little bit more about what you've seen, absolutely.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

So many people have heard of the walking on eggshells stage, so what? That kind of what I'm referring to is often in a dating partnership. That's where it's toxic or unhealthy or there's a power dynamic involved there, where one partner is exhibiting control or power over the other uh, partner, um, you know, there's the honeymoon stage, there's the um I, I, really, you, are my everything. Maybe a little bit of love bombing there, or um, a little bit of uh, you know, you mean so much to me. Don't ever leave me like isolating the person from their friends, from their loved ones, from their um classes, you know, just really isolating the person to where they feel, um, let their end, all be, all is with their romantic partner.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

And through that stage it evolves to um, a breakout, so a an eruption in some kind of violence, whether it be emotional violence, psychological violence, sexual violence, and the survivor is in shock, is confused, is disoriented, is often left with this. You know, I love, love this person, but what do I do? This is not healthy and um, then it goes to the romance uh phase again, where the other partner kind of uh, woos the person back in. You know, it was just a mistake. I, I didn't mean to, it won't happen again.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

Um, behaviors like that are exhibited and that's the walking on eggshells phase again. So, looking at the cycle of abuse is what I'm referring to there, the cycle of that abuse and how it plays out in relationships, partnered relationships and you know, it takes so much to even speak on these topics. It really does. It takes so much Resilience is the right word, I would say, like you mentioned but it takes so much bravery, courage, survivor, or another person that's experiencing some form of dating violence, and there's no cookie cutter way to treat it. There's no cookie cutter way to define it. Um, each situation is different in itself and recognizing that, um, we all have the power to overcome it and we all have the power to heal.

Marta Hamilton, LPC :

Um, it's so important you, you, you mentioned stalking in your previous episode and, um, I'm just curious to hear more about about that specifically, because you know we don't my mind didn't go to thinking about stalking when it came to domestic violence awareness month, but I think that's a very important thing to just briefly discuss in terms of any information that you can give us in terms of what that looks like and the hope for people experiencing it. I know that you shared that the majority of women 81% you gave me the statistic who experience stalking also experience physical violence. So I'm just curious if you could share a little bit more about what it would look like to bring awareness to this component. Right, you said nothing is cookie cutter. There's not one definition. Every situation and every case and every person's experience is unique. But anything you want to share in terms of insight when it comes to the stocking, coping with the stocking, getting help for the stocking and the courage within the stocking- Thank you.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

Stocking is a huge component of what we're talking about today and now, in the world we live in, albeit online, social media. It is what it is.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

You have to accept the fact that people can stalk in the cyber world you online social media platforms and it creates so much cognitive dissonance there because, uh, you have people talk about um, well, I unfollowed this person on my instagram, or I unfollowed this person on my social media and he won't leave me alone. He won't stop looking at my feeds, he won't stop looking at my. That's just one component and and this, this is this more time I'm so glad you brought up that point um, this is really, really a huge part of what dating violence and specifically stalking can look like in cyber stalking.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

Yeah, um, and everything these days is um in the social media role and I and as a therapist, um I try to tell my clients or not tell, but encourage my clients to maybe take a break from social media here and there.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

Um unplug, do a self, um like a self healing journey on social media because, um, along with stalking, there's cyber bullying, there's cyber stalking. But to specifically answer your question, what does it look like and in what context are women experiencing stalking? You know, I had a one, very sweet and very strong as we all are young adult woman at George Mason who was experiencing young adult woman at George Mason who was experiencing stalking to a very, very serious degree, to the point where she would be looking behind her shoulders to see if he's following her to her classes, she would be checking her car and he would be leaving her messages on her car and she felt so, I mean the amount of fear this person, this person had induced to her and had scared her and she didn't know who to turn to. She didn't know who to talk to about it.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

She thought people wouldn't believe her. This is someone that she was involved with throughout her whole college experience happened to be doing this to her. You know, going to, what your point is those preconceived notions, or those misnomers, or those misunderstandings or myths yes, about those myths that arise there and um, it's rampant. It can happen in any context, in any place, um, in any setting. Uh, social media is just as powerful as a tool as it can be, um, uh, misplaced sometimes. I think you'd be the right word. I welcome your feedback on that.

Marta Hamilton, LPC :

Yeah, that's such a good way to say it misplaced, because there's so much amazing opportunity within technology and the ability to connect. But I could absolutely see, and as a therapist, I myself would also recommend a break from social media. I almost call it like a social media cleanse, right, like how can we detox from the social media? And it does give an opportunity to nurture yourself. And there is a vulnerability right with social media, and especially for someone who may be needing to truly heal and feel safe and feel empowered and came from a very vulnerable situation where they were a victim especially. I think it's such an important thing to highlight the social media, the technological aspect. I hadn't even considered that when asking yes, but I could see how that is huge, huge, huge on so many layers there. So I'm so glad that you bring that up.

Marta Hamilton, LPC :

And my last question for you, really for this, is you know you've done such an amazing job at kind of giving us an overview and bringing an awareness and humanizing it right, like this is okay to talk about it. Even you sharing this lets me know. You know you have clients that you welcome, you encourage. Let's talk about this, let's heal, and you're so easy to talk to. You know, I'm even disclosing things I haven't shared with other people, but I think it's important to talk about and bring awareness to it, and what would you recommend in terms of what insight, what encouragement would you say to someone if they know someone who is a victim, or if they themselves are a victim of dating or partner violence? What can they do? What kind of encouragement could you provide them?

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

I love that you phrased it that way because that elicits the fact that there's the bystander effect, that often that can occur.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

And what is the bystander effect is when you're in a setting and you see something, clearly, that is coercive, manipulative, dangerous to another person or another identity or construct.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

And what do we do? Do we take a bystander effect and see it happen and not get involved out of many reasons for fear of putting themselves in a compromising place or getting in trouble themselves. So specifically, I would say if you know anyone, if you know a friend of a friend, if you know a person, an identity of any type, that believes or thinks they're in a relationship or an intimate partner relationship that has toxic traits or just not healthy and it can grow into a domestic violence situation, please reach out to them, tell them there's support. You can reach out to 1-800-799-SAFE that's the domestic violence hotline. They have trained clinicians, trained providers that are there to support you at any point in time, 24 hours a day, and it's safe, it's anonymous, it's there for everyone to take advantage of, to develop a safety plan with them, because I want to mention that Marta like, sometimes it's not easy to leave these relationships.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

You know, it's not easy to leave these relationships you know, it's not and we should never question the survivor. Never question them until you walk into the shoes of someone who's going through it, or have been a survivor yourself, or have experienced it with your friends, family, loved ones.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

There's never a place or room to judge someone I want to make that clear and to give them the space to speak up about it and raise awareness and advocacy, but definitely develop a safety plan which would look a little bit like working with a team of clinicians or calling the hotline and asking for a way to develop a safety plan so that they can have an exit strategy when things are becoming violent. And just if I could just thank you so much again for allowing us to bring this platform to the public, because it is domestic violence awareness month.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

It's not uncommon to say you or someone you know have been a survivor of this issue and it's important to bring as much awareness, advocacy and to share resources and information and awareness and ways that we can all be an ally right To really support and advocate.

Marta Hamilton, LPC :

And I'll make sure to write the phone number that you provided and your contact information in the show notes because if you don't mind just sharing a little bit about how people can best reach you and in which states.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

Thank you so much. I always appreciate you.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

I actually am working with clients in Texas. I'm here in San Antonio, I believe. Right, oh yes, we're both in Texas. That's how we get so connected, I think. Uh, so I I work with clients in telemedicine, telehealth visits in texas, maryland, virginia and dc. I'm a certified substance abuse specialist as well as a trauma-informed therapist, so I love to do emdr. Just trauma work is my bread and butter, um and, of course, um. I have a welcome client of all different backgrounds, walks of life, faiths and identities, and I thank you so much for having this platform to speak on these topics. You really are.

Marta Hamilton, LPC :

We as a team here are making, are trying to make a huge difference, and I appreciate your time oh, I appreciate yours as well and thank you so much for being a part of our wellness journey today.

Sandhya Nagabhushan:

Thank you.